I caught a baby yesterday for the very first time. I sat under the Tauran full moon with his mother as the freight train of new life coming hurtled through her body and shook the girders. I listened to his heart and felt the urgency of emergence as it slowed. I pressed hard with steady but shaking hands against his little swollen head, trying to aim him true to come through the gate without breaking it. I pulled as gently as I could and harder than I ever imagined on his delicate neck to bring his tiny, coiled, purple body slithering forth into the water where he floated in momentary shock, fingers extended in utter surprise, before we placed him on his mother's breast to mold a new place for him in her heart.
I am realizing that this is the culmination of a dream I began shaping over 20 years ago when I read Monica Furlong's Wise Child and took Juniper to be my lifetime literary mentor. I have finally become a Cailleach, and devotee of Brigid and Ixchel in practice, not just in lip service. What a blessing to be present at the transition into life. I am now who I have always wanted to be. I feel complete.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
13 inch liquid crystal display- staring into the face of g-d
What is a blog anyhow? It appears to me to be mostly a desire to be heard, yet remotely so, and with no immediate and direct challenge to the views one presents. It is a shout to the vastness of the universe, "I am here! Please see me, recognize my existence, and don't squash me." It is the desire to see ripples in the water when one drops a stone, the satisfaction a child takes in shouting in winter and seeing their breath. It is the urge to interface with G-d.
The internet-this vast and unchartable all-knowing all-seeing time-space continuum full of everything a human could ever conceive of, and some things we cannot, the new collective consciousness, collective unconscious, the nervous system of the metamorphic, genderless, emergent organism that is made up of humans, each of us a cell in it's body- is the access portal to that which cannot be named. Well, one of them at least. Great sex and crawling around looking at pebbles at the beach get me pretty close too, but those access points tend to be less verbal.
So here I am with my words, hoping to chat with g-d. Of late I've been wondering what I've done to piss her off so much, and why it's so hard to get an appointment. I've also been fiercely pondering the personification we all lay upon her, each in our own way, to try to get a little closer. Joan Osbourne elaborates the details of a lonely god waiting by phones and riding buses. The Heart Throbs gravely inform me that god is just as bored, friendless, and frantic for security as any of us. Is it easier to get to know g-d if they are vulnerable and sad? That way, you know where to kick if g-d starts to grab you and you need to get away? That way, you can sit and have a beer with g-d, sympathize, then lord over g-d later in private when you think about how much better put together you are? This is a stark change from the fearsome and all powerful g-d of just a couple hundred years ago. What happened? How did this personality change come about? Did g-d go to therapy and figure out that all that rage, vengeance, and jealousy was just a front for some childhood traumas, punch a pillow a few times, and get in touch with their grief?
I am not speaking from without looking in; I certainly play the personification game. Though I do try to keep g-d elemental as much as possible, images of the omnipotent and benevolent trannyfag with fairie wings watching over my learning process, and guiding my steps with glitter do come up. What good is this image, this concept of benevolence and guidance, aside from fodder for mental masturbation? Why have I- why have we as a species for millennia- created these personifications, rules, and regulations for interacting with g-d? Why have we created the concept of g-d? Perhaps for the same reason g-d created us- we were bored, we wanted a buffer from the elements, a moderator to help us bargain with the forces of nature. Perhaps, as one-dear-to-my-heart supposes, it is all just glorious and beautiful chaos and there is no rhyme or reason.
I certainly do like closure. I am eying the inconclusivity of this post with trepidation, but honestly, there is no way I can answer my questions. Gracefully, the mystery still exists. If it did not, would we all still be here? If a rubik's cube were easy to solve, would they still be made? We exist to puzzle.
The internet-this vast and unchartable all-knowing all-seeing time-space continuum full of everything a human could ever conceive of, and some things we cannot, the new collective consciousness, collective unconscious, the nervous system of the metamorphic, genderless, emergent organism that is made up of humans, each of us a cell in it's body- is the access portal to that which cannot be named. Well, one of them at least. Great sex and crawling around looking at pebbles at the beach get me pretty close too, but those access points tend to be less verbal.
So here I am with my words, hoping to chat with g-d. Of late I've been wondering what I've done to piss her off so much, and why it's so hard to get an appointment. I've also been fiercely pondering the personification we all lay upon her, each in our own way, to try to get a little closer. Joan Osbourne elaborates the details of a lonely god waiting by phones and riding buses. The Heart Throbs gravely inform me that god is just as bored, friendless, and frantic for security as any of us. Is it easier to get to know g-d if they are vulnerable and sad? That way, you know where to kick if g-d starts to grab you and you need to get away? That way, you can sit and have a beer with g-d, sympathize, then lord over g-d later in private when you think about how much better put together you are? This is a stark change from the fearsome and all powerful g-d of just a couple hundred years ago. What happened? How did this personality change come about? Did g-d go to therapy and figure out that all that rage, vengeance, and jealousy was just a front for some childhood traumas, punch a pillow a few times, and get in touch with their grief?
I am not speaking from without looking in; I certainly play the personification game. Though I do try to keep g-d elemental as much as possible, images of the omnipotent and benevolent trannyfag with fairie wings watching over my learning process, and guiding my steps with glitter do come up. What good is this image, this concept of benevolence and guidance, aside from fodder for mental masturbation? Why have I- why have we as a species for millennia- created these personifications, rules, and regulations for interacting with g-d? Why have we created the concept of g-d? Perhaps for the same reason g-d created us- we were bored, we wanted a buffer from the elements, a moderator to help us bargain with the forces of nature. Perhaps, as one-dear-to-my-heart supposes, it is all just glorious and beautiful chaos and there is no rhyme or reason.
I certainly do like closure. I am eying the inconclusivity of this post with trepidation, but honestly, there is no way I can answer my questions. Gracefully, the mystery still exists. If it did not, would we all still be here? If a rubik's cube were easy to solve, would they still be made? We exist to puzzle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)